To Find Out If Someone Is Married – There are many good reasons to get married. There are plenty of terrible reasons to get married. Here are some of the two.
Years ago I thought I was probably a lonely person. I thought I was just “wired” for fun but ultimately short-lived relationships. I dated a lot, I slept, and I always had an exit strategy.
To Find Out If Someone Is Married
Fast forward to today and as a happily married man, I was honestly surprised at how easy it was to transition into a committed, lifelong relationship. In fact, it feels so good!
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The truth is that while I did a lot of work on myself, a lot of it was looking for a good partner.
I get hundreds of emails every year from people who are struggling in their relationships. And many of them are engaged or planning to get married. I often say “don’t do that!” I want to shout and wave a giant neon flag. Because getting married for the wrong reasons can have disastrous consequences, not just emotional, but also financial.
After working with dozens of couples on this question, I’ve put together two checklists below that sum it all up. The first checklist is the worst reasons people get married. The second checklist describes good reasons for getting married. Check it out.
Most of these terrible reasons to get married probably seem obvious and maybe even a little ridiculous. But for many of us, it’s really hard to look objectively at our own motivations and see them for what they really are.
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Sometimes your true intentions are hidden a few layers deep and you need someone to lovingly shake them to the surface.
For some reason, a lot of people think that when you get married, something magical happens and all the fights and cycles of toxic behavior go away.
Committing to someone by getting married improves all aspects of your relationship. So if you sincerely love and respect each other, that love and respect will grow and evolve as a married couple.
But the same goes for the problems you have in your relationship. If you are bad at communication in your relationship, communication problems will be bad in your marriage. If you don’t respect yourself, you won’t earn it by getting married. You will probably miss it even more.
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Basically, when you get married things may get better if they are already good, but they will only get worse if they are already bad.
Even more annoying is marrying the next person who comes along because you’re tired of being single – and then they’re horrible to you.
You’ve probably heard it before. But if you can’t be happy yourself, no one will be happy with you.
I bet no one told you how to do that. After all, it sounds like a catch-22: you have to be happy before you can make someone else happy, but you can’t be happy without someone to make you happy.
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The problem is how you judge and evaluate yourself. You value other people’s opinions of you more than you value your own opinion of yourself. You believe that your value as a person is determined by the person you are with. Think for a second how embarrassing that must have been.
Develop into who you want to be first. Regain health. Quit your dead-end job and take your career seriously. Get your finances in order. Next, find someone who is thrilled to be with you because you already kick so much ass.
Maybe your crazy aunt tells you that “the clock is ticking” and you’re not getting any younger. Or your dad thinks you should “grow up already.” Or maybe your parents are divorced and you’re determined to show the world that you’re better than them. Or all your friends are married now and you want to show them that you’re not always the third, fifth or eleventh wheel.
Sometimes it’s a little more subtle but shit. For example, some people see marriage as a status symbol, so they get married thinking they’re going to parade around town with their partner and people bow in their presence like they’ve conquered Westeros or something like that.
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Either way, getting married to prove something to someone – or yourself – is a horrible thing to do.
Depending on the country you live in, legal marriage can have many practical advantages. You might be tempted to get married for tax benefits, to get your spouse’s social security benefits, to adopt, to get a spousal visa, etc.
There’s nothing wrong with accepting these benefits, but if they’re the only reason you’re marrying someone, that is. Surrender to them until death do you part – then something is wrong.
The truth is, a marriage only works if it’s for each other and no one else. The state may treat you differently, but outside of perhaps your parents, the world doesn’t really care if you get married. Millions of people have done it. You don’t get a gold star and piping hot cookies on the plane just because you’re married. You can’t rub it on anyone’s face for more than a few months, at most. And now what?
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Let me tell you what: so you’re stuck in a marriage trying to figure out if it’s worth it.
. Second, work on your people skills. Learn more about healthy and toxic behaviors in relationships. Familiarize yourself with how emotional needs work so you can better meet your own and those of others. It will take a long time, but it will save you a lot of pain and maybe a divorce or three down the road.
On the other hand, if you can take an honest look at your relationship and say that none of these terrible reasons to get married apply to your situation, that’s fine.
Okay, so you’ve decided you’re not planning on getting married for the wrong reasons, but you’re not off the hook yet, my friend.
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Here are some of what I have determined are the key elements of a good relationship for a healthy and happy marriage.
And while I call it a “checklist,” I’m not saying this big decision can be boiled down to a few “yes/no” questions, and that’s it. But if your relationship doesn’t already have these things, let’s just say it’s going to be very difficult to make the marriage work in the long run.
A healthy relationship is not a relationship without arguments. A healthy relationship is a relationship with healthy arguments.
I mean fighting isn’t necessary in a happy marriage it’s actually good for the relationship
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In other words, when you get angry and argue, you’re trying to get to the root of the problem and not attacking the other person for who they are.
So, for example, your partner can blow you up when you really need to and it will hurt you. Instead of telling them they’re heartless assholes who only care about themselves, you should try to figure out why you’re in so much pain and find a solution with them. Are you afraid of being alone at a time like this? And if so, do they really understand it? Is there a way to communicate when you really need it and are you ready to work with you?
Most arguments in relationships stem from a misunderstanding of emotional needs. But it does mean that you both have a chance to a) figure out what each other’s needs are and b) learn how to meet your needs and those of the other person.
So when done in a place of mutual respect for each other’s needs, arguments can be a healthy part of a relationship.
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And when you fight, eventually you forgive yourself and you forgive yourself. You don’t keep bringing up old issues, but instead acknowledge when someone screwed up and accept their apology (and they own it and change their behavior). But admit when you make a mistake and forgive yourself instead of continuing to fight.
Again, fights are inevitable, so make sure you have a good fight before you get married. Otherwise, be prepared to face a very short and turbulent marriage or a very long and miserable marriage.
Stop and ask yourself questions about your relationship: are your lives going in the same direction and do you share the same values? Or conflict when it comes to big life decisions? Do your career aspirations and/or lifestyle mesh well with each other?
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